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am i a dumbasssss?

Ok enough about the whole poker thing for now… eventhough im winning alot of money from it, it needs a rest for a while.

Now since the new year has started(yeah yeah I know im late) I have alot of new things I would like to accomplish this year and such…

-Stop eating fast food as much
-Establish a relationship with my younger sis
-Stop disrespecting my mom
-Get closer to my whole family in general
-Get better grades in school
-Have 10k in savings by the end of the year
-Be fully out of debt, people… other things
-Start paying more bills again
-Meet more people who play poker at MC
-Become better at poker by at least 45% of what I am now, also establish a bankroll to help pay my way through college
-Go to driving school to get my license…
-Get a car before at least MAY of 2005!
-If I do do decide to work sometime during the year, find a better job than WB
-Stop cussing as much
-Dont spend money on stupid things I dont need
-Win at least 3 poker tournamenets(Big ones)
-Try and be more patient to everyday things and not get frustrated at stupid people all the time
-Visit my dads gravesite… at least once a month, havnt done that in almost a year and a half

Continue reading “message to myself”

When I think about my dad, it gets me mad,other times sad and glad,
When he left back in 86′ he was being a little bitch,
Runnin away from life, was a huge sacrafice,
My step dad was cool,
But sometimes a fool,
Always havin problems,
Didnt know how to resolve them,
Took it out on my mother,
Everyone knows I love her,
That fuckin pissed me off,
SO I PISSED HIM OFF BACK!
He got really mad when I told him he wasnt my dad
Which was my fault, because I was young,
And didnt know how to control my thoughts,

When I was 13, I saw my dad for the first time since I was a baby,
It was a great 4 month ride, while it lasted.
Left the day after my 14th birthday without even saying goodbye,
it made it even worse because my step dad died 2 weeks prior.
Died 2 weeks before my birthday, and 1 day before my sisters bday(2-14-82)
RIP DAD 2-13-01.
Never got to say goodbye, and I feel bad
last time we talked we had a fight,
Died in his mid 30’s, Fuck you god
This was the day I stopped believing in this shit
All those childhood sunday morning church visits? wasted.
Done nothing for my family.

Life is short, live every day to the fullest. Something I havnt been doing well lately. Family= no christmas, no thanksgiving, barely a family. Anyone doubt me? Yeah well fuck you. Mess with my mom, and Ill kill you. NO hesitation. So much anger, frustration, hatred, all within me. One day its going to all come out, and I feel really sorry for that person.  Does anybody see it in me? probably not. Does it irritate me? Sometimes. Suicidal? Nah…fuck that shit. Doesnt even cross my mind. Grew up with that shit in my family, terrible thing to experience.

just got done working a freakin 141 hour shift.. woke up at 5am and got home at fuckin man. god damn im SO tired i could just fall aslepp………………………………………………………………………. sike im still here.bout to eat some food and drinks… and then im going to chill out and go to sleep later on.

PEACE

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!! (WELL TOMORROW ACTUALLY)

ALL YOU PEOPLE READING THIS WISH MY MOM A HAPPY BIRTHDAY… OR IM GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS.

Mom- I love you so much…. you have no idea. Its kind of hard to say it alot, but im sure you already know. Im going to start saying it more frequently. I would do anything for you… Have the best birthday ever….. Enough Said. :):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

Roses are red… violets are blue… I suck at making poems… but mom I LOVE YOU!!

Just another private update to myself. My life totally sucks right now. Im still about a grand in debt, and dont know how to pay it off. Im working at walden right now, but thats not enough money. Im still trying to get my ebay back on, but this is taking longer than I thought. I really need money. My grades in school are slipping, and that I blame on money. If I had my car by now, or even if I lived on campus… I would be going to school on a daily basis. God damnit. I had the life…. I really fucking had the life and then one day I watching the wsop on tv and it consumed me. Then I lost alot of money on it, but then andy also lost alot of my money on it too. Which really really fucking sucked major shit. Then he said he needed help with money, so I offered to help him with my business. ugh man why did I do that. I couldnt afford to help him, so why did I? I should have looked after myself, and then tried to help him all I could. Instead I ended up giving him over 4,000 with that shit and he paid me back the 2,000 with the 4,000 he made on ebay with my business. What a huge mistake I made. Ive been spending the last couple of months trying to think why it happend to me. I cant totally blame andy for my debt, but theres somewhat to blame. Its also me too. I have become a very lazy person, Very depressed, and lonely with no girl I guess. AH I really dontknow what to do. My plans right now are to get all of that shit behind me and just move the fuck on. Shit happens in life and most of the time it wont go your way… or especially my way, because my luck sucks at all. I need to get myself out of debt, in the meanwhile… I need to fucking get my grades up for school, and then I need to GET alot of fucking money… then get my fucking car, so I can drive that shit the way I want to and have mad fun. by christmas…. I will have 10k in the fucking bag AND NO TURNING BACK. At that point… I will have enough money to do alot of things and not have to worry about asking my friends for a couple of dollars to go and eat some taco bell. AH I need to find a way! A way is the way!!

“tell me why are we, so blind to see…. that the ones we hurt…. are you and me?”

hmm… wow its been a while since I wrote up on this shit..ive been workin alot lately… and im thinkin about droppin a day at walden and getting another job at this xm radio stand. Hourly pay + commission. We’ll see. Lots of shit has been going on. Jose got a job..finally.. heath is still a fag… andradige got his intake.. and me and cj are going crazy over getting a car. Man I want my car sooo bad. Football season is back… fucking patriots are winning as usual. I have no idea what to say on this thing.. so maybe ill write more later.

Me at the moment- basically everything you could imagine. Ive been thinking about my future lately. Thinking of all the possibilities(kind of like calculating odds in poker) that lead to a final conclusion of: How can I become a millionare in the quickest possible time? Because without a doubt, it will happen, its just a matter of time. During that long and great adventure, im going to have the best time of my life experiencing ALOT of drugs… oh wait i didnt say that I meant THINGS…..lol jk. Drugs ruin life. Theres just so much to do in a short amount of time. Ive been alive almost 7,000 days… amazing right?……too bad i didnt save a dollar a day. Something else ive been thinking alot about lately is……..I would really like to meet somebody that is just like me. that grew up like me…… experienced things like me… just understands why I am the way I am. Everyone should really look past all the money and see who I really am. Day by day I experience a pretty fucked up life in most aspects, which makes me who I am and which also makes me so unique. I am not perfect in any way, yet I believe that I am somewhat of a fucked up person. Ive learned to cope with that and just move on. Ive also been thinking alot about my dads death back in 9th and my cats death nearly 3 months ago. Both meant alot to me which I never got a chance to say goodbye. Just yesterday I remember working with him and spending the whole day with him. Although it was a bigger loss for my sister since she was closer to him, I still feel pretty bad about it. WHy couldnt “GOD” fucking kill someone who was meaningless in the world? ugh, just pisses me off. I could make all the money in the world and it still wouldnt bring them back. Just makes me think whats going to happen when my mom dies?………………………………………………………For all I know it will be the day I graduate college and im waiting for her to attend, and then I get the news. Fuck god. Now im pissed…. Im out.

Another tournement where I finished in the top 10(I got 7th). 500 people and finished 7th, amazing. I made a bad call and ended up losing… oh well 7th is a good acomplishment and one of these days im telling you, your going to see me on ESPN winning poker tournements.

Class of 2004!(I know this is late as hell) I just wanted to post about graduation after everybody else. hahahah.  Anyways, graduation was tight and all, I saw alot of people that I dont talk to much and kinda of said goodbyes, because I will probably never chill with them again. Not that I dont want to really…. its more like I knew them either for a long time, or I had recently met them and they were practically just a friend I knew in school. So many things have happend this year, I wish I could just go over and do it again. Sometimes its frustrating to think about all of the bad things, but then I just think of the good things and it makes it a little bit better. Anyways, its my times to shine and here are the good things that have happend this year, and things I have learned:

Continue reading “2004 graduation high school”