Imagine you’re on the subway. People are sitting quietly, some reading books, newspapers, some quiet in thought. Some sleeping. Then, a man and his children get on at a stop. The kids were so loud, so obnoxious, going wild. The man sits down next to you and closes his eyes. Seemingly oblivious to the situation. His children yelling, throwing things, touching people etc. Yet, the man did absolutely nothing. His eyes closed, head down. It would be difficult not to feel at best slightly irritated, frustrated, at worst, angry right? How could this man be so insensitive to everyone and let his children act this way and do nothing about it? Taking no responsibility at all. It was easy to see everyone else on the subway was irritated as well.
So finally, you turn to him and say “Excuse me sir, your children are disturbing a lot of people, can you please control them a little more?” The man lifts his face, seemingly coming to consciousness of the situation for the first time and said softly- “Oh, you’re right, I should probably do something about this. We just came from the hospital, their mother, my wife, just died about an hour ago. I don’t know what to think, handle this and I guess they don’t know how to handle it either”
INSTANT PARADIGM SHIFT.
Can you imagine what you would feel in that moment? You would suddenly see things in an entirely different perspective in a mere fraction of a second. You would think and feel differently. Feelings of compassion, sympathy/empathy would completely take over.
Everything would change in an instant.
This short story a few years ago really resonated with me, and helped me see so many things from a entirely different perspective in so many areas of my life. It really helped me develop something I believe I had somewhat lacked in my life: Empathy.
One of the major destructive paradigms buried in my mind practically my whole life was- “how could my biological father leave me as an infant?”. I didn’t see him for the first time until I was 13. he stayed 2 months, and then left again. “How could somebody do this to a child?”, “Why me??”. This situation created an immense amount of motivation throughout my life to ‘succeed’.(I look at the definition to success far different than society as a whole, not entirely money based).
It wasn’t until my late 20’s I realized I had essentially capped out, I needed to make peace with this situation, to grow in order to progress forward significantly. I couldn’t just plow through things anymore, I actually had to work things out. I had to become one with uncomfortable feelings. 17 years later I seeked him out, to forgive. It was in that moment, when paradigm shifted entirely. As I looked in his eyes, I could see HIS pain pouring out of his skin. I could feel his words. He was just a kid, still is a kid, even at 49. There was never any malicious intent. Not one single time did I ever stop to think about how HE was feeling. It was always about me. From that moment on, I learned a very valuable principle, and I try and execute whenever possible. Never come to conclusions quickly.
During this process I ended up meeting two of my aunts I had never known.(In pics). One of them I have established a bond with close to that of my own mother, in some ways surpassing. This all started with a decision, to shift a paradigm. It also taught me a lot about the significance of vulnerability. Vulnerability is not weakness, and that myth is profoundly dangerous.
“Seek first to understand before being understood”
“We always have control of our thoughts and actions”
Kris
