https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TFbv757kup4
I’ve watched this TED talk 3 times. Amy’s story is extremely powerful. Extremely moving. I was simply in awe when she started talking about the series of events in her life that transpired. her mother and husband both passing away unexpectedly, the timing of it all. WHILE being a THERAPIST…just wow. she knew what to do, but knowing and doing and two different things. I was moved to tears as I can somewhat relate, as I did not get a chance to say goodbye to either my best friend, father, grandmother or grandfather. considering I come from a VERY small family, these were 4 significant loses in my life.
Everyone has the ability to build mental strength, but most people don’t know how.
We spend a lot of time talking about physical strength and physical health, but much less time on mental strength and mental health. We can choose to perform exercises that will help us learn to regulate our thoughts, manage our emotions, and behave productively despite our circumstances
It’s hard not to envy people who seem to be in better circumstances in their lives. This way of thinking costs us something though. It’s what our bad habits end up costing us…our thoughts will eventually betray us.
Researchers have found that envying your friends on social media actually leads to serious depression. This is just 1 of the traps our minds can set for us. Social media must be used with care.
There’s 3 kinds of destructive beliefs that rob us of our mental strength. That make us less effective. That hold us back.
- Unhealthy beliefs about ourselves.- We tend to feel sorry about ourselves. While it is okay to be sad when something bad happens, self pity goes beyond that. When you start to magnify your misfortune. When you think things like “why do these things always have to happen to me?”, “I shouldn’t have to deal with it”, That way of thinking keeps you stuck. It keeps you focused on the problem, it keeps you from finding a solution. You cant find the solution while hosting your own pity party.
- Unhealthy beliefs about others.- We think that other people can control us, and we give away our power. As adults who live in a FREE country, there are VERY few things that we HAVE to do. So when we say something like “I have to work late”- you are giving away your power. Sure there might be consequences to not staying late at work, but the reality is…. ITS A CHOICE. Or when you say someone in your family “drives you crazy”- you are giving away your power. Sure they might not be the nicest, best people in the world, but its how YOU respond to them, not giving away your power, YOU are in control.
- Unhealthy beliefs about the world. We tend to think the world owes us something. “If I put in enough work, that I deserve success.”. EXPECTING success to land in your lap as some kind of cosmic reward for your hard work will only lead to disappointment. It’s hard to move past these bad habits, these bad ways of thinking. It’s difficult to change our paradigms. But we can’t afford NOT to give them up. We must grow. Because sooner or later your going to hit a place in your life where you ARE going to NEED ALL THE MENTAL STRENGTH you have. Most times it comes very unexpectedly, sudden.
This is where Amy starts talking about her unique story that moved me to tears. Amy was 23, her life was going well. She thought like most of us at a young age that she had life all figured out. Graduated from school, landed nice first job, had a husband, bought a house. Life was good. What could go wrong? Well, everything did. It all changed one day. She received a call saying her mother was in the hospital. Phone call from her sister, mother was unresponsive. She rushed to the hospital. Her mother was only 51, healthy and absolutely no health issues. Brain aneurysm. Within 24 hours, her mother, who always used to wake up and say “its a great day to be alive” passed away. Devastating news. Very close to her mother. As a therapist, Amy knew how to go thorough grief, but knowing and doing are two different things.
so…….as you can imagine the years that followed were very difficult.
On the 3 year anniversary of her moms passing she was invited to a basketball game by her friends. her and her husband went. ironically the last time she was at that venue she was with her mom, the night before she passed away. She thought it would be a great healing experience to go. So her and her husband did. they had a GREAT time. On the drive home they were both talking about how it was great to remember her mom. instead of feelings of sadness, it was healing. Shortly after they both got home that night, her husband said he didn’t feel well. He ended up having a heart attack later that night and dying. oh my. He was only 26. :/. No history of heart issues. I mean seriously what the fuck?
as I am watching her talk about these series of events in her life, although she is doing a great job of composing herself, I can SEE the pain in her eyes. HOW DIFFICULT it was for her to go through these events in her life. The fact that she is on stage talking about it is BRAVE.
26 year old widow, and did not have her mom. when she said this I could hear her voice quiver. this is where I shed a tear for a stranger.
for her to describe this as a painful time in her life is an UNDERSTATEMENT.
-When you are going through extremely tough time in your life, good habits are simply NOT ENOUGH. it only takes 1 or 2 really small bad habits to hold you back.
-Holding out hope that life can get better is extremely important. Theres a huge difference between expectations, and hope.
“its not fair”- this way of thinking WILL hold you back. This is where all your mental strength is put to work.
The secret to being mentally strong is you simply have to give up your bad mental habits that keep you stuck. Simple to say, extremely difficult to execute. Mental strength is a lot like physical strength. If you don’t workout your muscles they will deteriorate. If you want to be mentally strong, you have to have good habits. like practicing gratitude. give up bad habits like resenting somebody else’s success.
Most of unhealthy beliefs about ourselves comes from being uncomfortable with our feelings. Feeling sad or hurt, angry or scared. These are all uncomfortable. So we go to great lengths to avoid that discomfort. We try to escape it. It just prolongs the pain.
The ONLY way to get through uncomfortable emotions, to deal with them, is to go RIGHT THROUGH THEM. Face them head on. You have to let yourself FEEL, and then move on. Gaining confidence in our ability to deal with the discomfort.
“the only person you should compare yourself to, is the person you were yesterday.”
Deep down we all want the world to be fair. We want to believe that if we do enough good deeds, work hard enough that we will be rewarded. Or if we tough it out through enough bad times, better things will just come about. Ultimately we have to accept that life isn’t fair. This can be liberating. We may not be rewarded for all the good we do, but it also means, no matter how much we have suffered, we are not doomed to keep suffering. The world doesn’t work that way. Our world is what we make it. We have to believe we can change it.
So I invite you to consider, what bad mental habits are holding YOU back?
What unhealthy beliefs are keeping you from being as mentally strong as you could be?
Whats 1 small step you could take today? Right here, right now.
