https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9FopgKyAfI&sns=em
Kris notes 4-2-18
Brene is becoming a cultural ICON(what you mean becoming, she already IS baby!!!), Woo!!!!!! This information could change your life! Woo!! Top 5 viewed TED talks in the world with over 30 million views??? DID NOT KNOW THAT!! I mean seriously, who spends 16 years studying courage, vulnerability, shame and empathy???? BRENE THAT’S WHO!! #likeaboss. I can feel the love resonating through the computer screen!! It’s taken me a long time to really realize southern accent from teeeeexas.
Okay….okay….. getting to the real stuff now…..
What does true belonging mean? What does it mean to belong?
200,000 pieces of data- in the absence of love and belonging THERES ALWAYS SUFFERING.
True belonging is a spiritual practice, its about the ability to find sacredness in both being a part of something, but also the courage to stand alone. For those of us who have the struggle standing alone, especially when we know we are risking that sense of being a part of something, because we disagree, because we have a different opinion, because we love something different, THIS is the mark of true belonging. The ability to be able to say, I am a part of something bigger, but I also will stand alone when I need to. You belong everywhere, and nowhere, that is liberation.
B-R-A-V-I-N-Gis all about TRUST. I have written about this before in one of my other notes so ill try and keep this shorter(probably wont be able too because its just TOO DAMN IMPORTANT, but ill try.)
What is trust, what do we mean when we say we trust?
There are 7 elements, when we talk about trust. They are observable, and measureable. These are what we can talk about with eachother.
B- Boundaries- Set boundaries, when you don’t know what they are, you ask. Becoming clear about what is and what is not okay.
R- Reliability- You do what you say, and say what you do.
A.- Accountability- Don’t back channel, and blame. Hold people accountable.
V- Vault- THE VAULT IS BAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!- What others share with you, STAYS with YOU!!!! Also, do not TELL people OTHER peoples vault information! Trying to ‘hotwire a false connection’ with someone, sharing other peoples vault info! (this is also very common discussing politics)This makes the other person say to themselves, “if he or she is willing to talk to me about other peoples vault info, what makes me believe they wont talk about mine to someone else?????” It’s hard to come back from betrayal of the vault. DO NOT SHARE THINGS THAT ARE NOT YOURS TO SHARE!Don’t use other peoples stories as CURRENCY! WOO!!!!!
I-Integrity- Choosing COURAGE over COMFORT. Practicing your values. Choosing what is right, over what is fun, fast, and easy. We have a culture of people who do fun, fast, and easy. We have a culture of people who purposely avoid discomfort. I don’t believe it is possible to achieve extraordinary things while remaining comfortable. Find your place within discomfort! Trust the process!
N-Non Judgement- Asking for help without feeling judged, asking for help without judging myself.
G-Generosity- When something happens, I assume positive intent. So, if thing go sideways between us, give the benefit of the doubt before launching into anger. Avoiding jumping to conclusions so quickly. Give the other side a chance. It’s human nature- in the absence of data, we will always make up our own stories.
Braving the wilderness- The wilderness in being those times where we stand alone, those times we go out on a limb, the times we walk away from what we know, BRAVING is the TOOL, to help us with the wilderness. BRAVING is a checklist. Am I Braving?Im getting better at it every day.
We are not always going to do it perfectly, and that’s okay.
Opting out of speaking out because we may get criticized is the definition of privilege. “I don’t really have to speak out, because it wont affect me, my kids seem pretty safe, ”To opt out because its safe is what privilege is. The way to have conversation is to stay grounded in your humility, your curiosity. ”Im not going to let my imperfection move me away from the conversation because its too damn important!!”
Heres the thing that BRENE lives by and invites us all to live by… so that certainly means I should be living by this as well!!!!!!!!!
“At the end of the day, at the end of the week, and the end of my life, I want to be able to say that I contributed more than I criticized.”-wowowowowowowow!!!! If all you’re doing is criticizing people who are engaging in conversations that heal, and bring hope…. Then shutup!!!!! Just don’t talk! It’s not useful!
Negativity is TOXIC.
Take responsibility for the energy you bring into the world.
Theres a huge difference between holding people accountable, and shaming people. It’s difficult, nearly impossible to get people to be a part of the conversation, to help people grow, when you are shaming them.
Shame never drives positive behavior. What shame drives is rage, anger, rationalization, and blame. “Hey look they are on fire, let me throw gasoline on it”- NO NO NO!!!
When you shame people, it not only hurts others, it hurts YOU TOO. It’s hard to shame people without dehumanizing them.
Holding people accountable is not as much fun, and does not deliver the emotional satisfaction that raging against people, shaming people often does. This is why it is often hard to take the high road.
Theres still 12 minutes left in this thing and WOOO!!!! I feel at least another page comin’.
Should we constantly coddle people? Not necessarily. That doesn’t mean we need to shame them! Holding accountable is not coddling. If the only two tools you have in your tool bag are SHAME and CODDLE, that’s a sorry ass tool bag!!!!!Theres a lot I between!
“It really is going to take a million acts of kindness and consciousness to change this”
If we all just said to one another: “I just want to understand, help me understand”- the world would be different in 24 hours. There would be a shift in the consciousness! Lets ask the questions!
Brene likes to wear jeans and boots to her presentations instead of the suits the corporate people ask her to wear because she is a BOSS!!!! #likeaboss! #bossmovesshes as authentic as it gets! She gets on stage and talks about things 90% of people have never thought about, so she feels the audience needs to see her authentic self! See that TEXAS self!
“If you need me to be someone different than who I am, then my presentation is not going to be successful”.
Message to people who want to build a platform, who want to speak to people and help them grow as individuals: Be yourself! Be authentic! You wont be able to please everyone, but that’s okay. “The people that matter wont mind, and the people that mind don’t matter”- this is what comes to mind.
Now it gets even REALER……
Theres a part from braving the wilderness that really changed Brene, a practice that came from the book:
Don’t walk through the world looking for evidence that you don’t belong, because you will always find it.
Don’t walk through the world looking for reasons you are not enough, because you will always find it.
Our worth and our belonging are not negotiated with other people. We carry those inside of our hearts. I know who I am, and im not going to negotiate that with you.
This is the heart of the book: If I negotiate who I am with you, then I may fit in with you, but I no longer belong to myself. That is a betrayal to myself I am no longer willing to do to fit in with you.
Brene spent the first 30 years of her life doing this. WOW! THIS IS SOME REAL AUTHENTIC SHIT RIGHT HERE. I MEAN IM LOOKING AT BRENE AND CAN JUST FEEL THE AUTHENTICITY, THE HEART, THE LOVE, THE EVERYTHING!!!!!
The last line of the book Brene reads to us:
I’ll leave you with this: there will be times when standing alone will feel too hard, too scary, and we’ll doubt our ability to make it through the uncertainty. Someone, somewhere will say: “don’t do it, you don’t have what it takes to survive the wilderness” This is when you reach deep within your wildest heart, and remind yourself, I AM THE WILDERNES!!!!! TEARS!!!!!!!! TEARS!!!!! JUST FEEL THE LOVE! FEEL IT!!!!! I AM THE FUCKING WILDERNESS! WE ARE ALL THE FUCKING WILDERNESS!!!!!!!! WOOOO1!!!!!!!! ITS BETTER TO BE IN THE ARENA FIGURING IT OUT THEN SITTING ON THE SIDELINES FOREVER! IT FEELS SO GOOD BEING IN THE ARENA! SURE IT IS UNCOMFORTABLE, BUT THE PAIN WILL EVENTUALLY SUBSIDE! AND SOMETHING TRUE WILL TAKE ITS PLACE!
This.is.amazing… wow!!!!! Just wow!!!!!!! I spent more time on these notes than any other notes I have done thus far and I must say, this is good stuff right here!!!!!!!!!!!! Until next time…..im out!
Kris
p.s- Memphis joined in on this one, mostly from the comfortable back position:
