RIP DAD
One day your pain will make sense to you….and it did…..for me..and I am still fueled by pain. There is absolutely nothing that can fucking stop me….only MYSELF. 15 years ago to the day my father passed away. A man who stepped up to the plate when I was just a baby while my piece of shit donor father left the scene for whatever reasons, they are irrelevant. I only have ONE birthday card in 30 years from this fucker, ONE. Why do I keep it? It fuels me. I’ll show it to my future kids to show them this is who I will never be. I am fueled by 4 things. My father taken too early, my donor never existing, my dope head mother. These 3 things run in my blood. My anger is directly responsible for where I am at today. It is my catch 22. Without my stubbornness, hate of submissiveness, hate of conformity, believe everything I’m told “just because” I would have withered away over a decade ago. I can’t truly live with it, or without it, at the moment. I’ve figured out I will never be able to reach the next level of my life unless the past stays in the past, and forgiveness is seeked out. That’s the thing about life, we are all a product of our experiences, our perceptions. Often in some cases when we are younger, we cannot control our circumstances, but we can control our attitude and vision. I take away many positive things from my fathers death 15 years ago, I also take many things from my grandfather 5 years ago, to the day. I take away as many positive things from all the death, abandonment, drugs and unhealthy lifestyles I have witnessed over the years. I have lost too many important people in my life at such young ages, wounds can heal, but the scars will forever remain. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in the last 15 years, too many. I would like to think that for every mistake I made that I have made a conscious effort to eliminate that mistake, and that I have made two good decisions elsewhere. “Don’t take the people closest to you for granted” it’s so cliche. Everyone knows that, until it’s too late. You never know when somebody close to you is going to die. Death WILL mold you.
I am often misunderstood, and I’m ok with it. It’s the price I have to pay to be authentic 100% of the time. Anybody will know they will always get an authentic real answer from me, no matter what. I am many things. Judgmental, arrogant, stubborn, offensive, insulting, jerk, insensitive, Blunt. However I am also unanimously unbreakably loyal, honest, reliable, devoted, passionate, determined, disobedient, purposeful, motivated, strong character.
One day your pain will make sense and everything will change, if you want it to.
