| somethin i wrote fall 2005, this was about Jen… before we started going out, in Jan 2006.
SoI guess ill give an update of whats going on at the current time in my life. I havnt really written in a while and its something that I normally do at least every few days. Ahh my mind is so confused lately I just cant think straight anymore. I used to be able to just shove thoughts/feelings away but now I just cant. I think ive got to a point now where I dont have the ability to do that anymore. I seriously look back at my life in silver springits so different out here in laurel. Back then I had like time whenever I wanted todoing anything I wanted getting away with anythingbut still being smart about it..now its like I just dont have time for anything in my life. I go to work, come homeeattalk on the phone, and sleep. Thats it. I barely see any of my friends anymore and its hard to stay so focused but Im seriously more focused than ever before. DETERMINATION. I love that word. Even when I get time to sleep its hard to sleep now. FUCK. Last night I had up to 12 hours possible to sleep for the first time in like forever. You know how many I got? About fuckin 5 or 6. Its like whats the point of sleeping/dreaming when what you want is so far yet so close away and you cant fucking do anything about it. And its not like I can say anything because I just know..I KNOW it cant be that way right now. Its for the best and Im just stuck every single fucking day of my life trying to find away around it but its just not possible. Its right in front of me and I dont have the ability to grab it. Countless hours of thought put into it and it feels like im waiting for something to show me the way. It was what I needed all along, and gives me the determination to make it through another day of my life no matter what happens..and now its not something I can just throw away and lose the key. Its one of those keys that cant be lostif you throw it away its gonna be sitting on your kitchen table the next morning when you wake up with a note besides it saying im always gonna be there. So much for me I just cant believe it..as much as I want to believe it I just caaaaaaaaaaaaant ugh its eating me alive. And I know I shouldnt be this way but DAMN can I get a freakin antidote? I dont think one exists? So what the fuck am I suppost to do? Its not like anybody can tell me anything cuz its always the same response over and over the response is so fuckin typical its ridiculous. Its like I cant just throw it away because I dont fucking want to and because its giving me the fire inside to move..strivesomething that I used to create myself and now that its coming from somewhere else its like a double attack.. and that attack is just making me stronger..strong enough that I cant say anything. I dont want to be the one that just says stuff I want it to be meaningful in all aspects..I dont want to say it typically I hate that fucking word. I want it to be so meaningful that Ah I dont fucking knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Being at work all the freakin time really isnt helping me because all I ever hear is I just wanna be with you blah blah and do do do youre the only one for me etc etc etc its like wtf play some fuckin DISTURBED already. FIRE ME UP and get me rockin or something not all like do do do always there for you etc etc |
