All my life I know I have been told by so many people the “potential” I “have”. I seem to always feel like I am overwhelmed with life. Whether it is dealing with my family, my girlfriend, or my work I cant help but feel somewhat depressed most of the time. I don’t know if people see it, but I feel as if some sort of depression is slowly dragging me down. I take vacations, time off work…and really enjoy some of the things I do with my life, but others just seem like they are going nowhere. I really dont know where to start to narrow things down so I am just going to go back to basics and make a list of the pros and cons of my life currently. I am going to start with the cons.
Cons-
-6 Years graduated from highschool and about a 1/4th of the credits needed for a AA degree, and Those are probably useless because I still don’t know what career I want to be in.
– I pay so many fucking bills its ridiculous…and I have been doing this for an extreme amount of time. It has been really extreme over the past 7 months though due to living by myself. I mean I make decent money, but I dont think people understand how fucking difficult this is. The only people I know who are paying for EVERYTHING themselves make over 50-70 grand a year. Thats double what I make. This has its benefits overall or else I wouldn’t be doing it but Fuck its stressful.
-My family is pretty much non existent in my life. Long long long long long lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnng story but cliffnotes: Everyones either dead, on drugs, broke, jobless, dependent and the list goes on. I barely talk to anyone. I help my younger sister out, and she abuses it. I don’t talk to my older sister for 3 years, and the relationship with my mom has been on and off ever since she completely fucked me over in 2007. That wound has not healed and I don’t know if it ever will. My grandfather is old, and really doesnt do much and thats pretty much my family in a nutshell seeing as my dad is dead, and my aunt’s side of the family I never talk to.
-I have realized that I have spent so much money in helping others in their lives, and I really have not seen too much overall impact on it. I cant help but feel as if it was a big fucking waste, eventhough I keep telling myself it wasnt. People owe me over 5 grand total and its a big slap in the face when there is little to no effort in paying that back.
-My license is suspended AGAIN for 6 months because I ran a fucking stop sign. REALLY???? I say again.. REALLY?
-I have been going out with my girlfriend for almost 5 years, and I literally do not know if I can spend the rest of my life with this person if she cant accomplish the fucking smallest tasks you can do. I hate having to repeat myself every month. It gets extremely old. I know something small to me might be big for others but damn its really not that difficult. I hate watching people skimp by on little shit. I hate weak people.
-I hate the fact that it sometimes can be hard for me to think outside of the box. I see so many things that people are doing “wrong” in my eyes and how fucking easy it would be for me to correct what they are doing wrong but someone can easily say the same about me…so that makes no god damn sense.
Thats what I can think of at the moment. Thats a pretty big plate full of issues to try and correct. I mean I look at myself… and I could just say fuck it, and eliminate all of that shit and start over. FUck the bills, move away… fuck the family and stop helping, fuck the license..its not that serious, fuck the girlfriend and move on, forget all of that shit and just go somewhere and start over. All of this shit is not life or death problems even though they may seem pretty critical. I feel as if I am mentally limiting myself for the first time in my life, and Im the one who preaches determination like the shit is all around my house(it is)… but thats not the damn point.
I feel like I am going through a midlife crisis, and I really don’t know what to do. I guess I will just take it one day at a time.
I just realized I didnt write the pros of my life, even though their are tons of great things I feel so depressed that I dont even want to write them.
Goodnight.
