I havn’t written in a while and I thought I would. Its not like it matters anyways.
I dont feel the need to “prove” myself to anyone, because most people are not even watching, and when they are watching they dont understand/care anyways. I just sat back and realized how many people I know, and how many people I really keep in contact with..not very many. My family is pretty much non existent, besides my younger sister whom I speak to occasionally, and my mom who just comes around or calls me when she needs money. Everyone seems to be going downhill/or just continuing their simple lives of living paycheck to paycheck..which really nobody in my entire family REALLY works besides my uncle and grandfather. I am the only god damn mother fucker who is completely on my own 100% and Im only fucking 21, and its not even that hard. I do so much for others financially and its not even that fucking hard. If I was just worrying about myself right now… I would be completely fine no problems(not like I have any complaints doing what Im doin now just sayin) Whatever happened to family dinners, and BBQ’s and shit like that? Oh wait I never had any of that, well not after my dad passed away at least. Whole family just went a-wall. And then with my grandmother too, shit turned loose. I look back at that moment in time… and me being very intelligent for my age at the time, I understood certain things that honestly I probably would have preferred not to understand at the time. Then I have jens mom who is a fucking moron, who can barely make it on her own and shes like 50, and will probably never like me when I honestly dont even know what her fucking problem is(Oh wait I do…she doesn’t like me because Im pretty much very direct/honest with her… I.E her life has passed her by) Just because shes 50 and has “lived her life” and thinks she knows more about life than me etc….wtf its notlike shes done anything productive with her life. Its like my mom @ 42, she hasnt been productive with her life either. So just because Im 21…fuck that doesnt matter. I understand I have alot to learn but dont try and tell me shit that I already know. I will never take advice from my mom, nor jens mom… because look where they both are… NOWHERE. Her dad has a hair up his ass for some small petty shit that happened almost a year ago, when previously we had no beef. All because I went into jens work and said she wasn’t being paid enough to be a fucking slave to some bitch ass “aunt” boss of hers. Lets get real people when your making 8 dollars an hour, your making shit money. Its really that simple. Most people can do much better than that, they just dont like the feeling of “change”, or they are just plain lazy. The world is a fucked up place, and without people who know how to work the system….nobody would ever get anywhere. This all ties back into I can be a fucking really really big asshole, I just choose not to be most of the time. I can fucking steal from you in a hearbeat, and do it so you wont even realize what hit you, but I choose not to be. I choose honesty and loyalty and qualities like that.
On another note, I hate the fact that jens fucking parents neglected to teach her certain aspects of life… and now I have to teach it. Its not the fact that its an inconvenience to do so, but it pisses me off that they wouldn’t take the time to teach her, nor really cared to do so. Im assuming when a problem came up they never showed her anything and she then didn’t learn. Like her driving, and managing her bank accounts and shit like that. Its like come on give me a break already. Its not her fault, and I love the fact that shes willing to learn but it just erks me.
I will just have to continue who I am, and what I will be in the future.
I love the fact that im purely 1,000% independent in all aspects of life and I do not personally know anybody else in my ENTIRE life that is the exact same way. I mean if I wasnt paying half the bills I am now, I could be in college WHERE I WANT TO FUCKING BE. BUT EVERYTIME I GET MONEY, SOMETHING FUCKS IT UP.
IM GOING BACK TO COLLEGE THIS FALL, AND THATS FINAL. FUCK LIFE
One day I will get what I deserve…its coming eventually…I just know it. Im not nearly the best person in the world but I know within that I have a very unique personality, and my outlook on life is very realistic and optimistic.
I guess I wish more people would recognize the following:
1. Who I really am, what I have been through, and what I have become from what I have been through. I.E not falling to the darkside.
2. What I am currently doing right now as I type this in my life, but not just my life, other people as well, and how I dont even need to help them, but I choose to because I really love them.
3. And lastly what I want to become in the future and how im trying so hard to achieve it.
A simple “Kris your a wonderful person, and thank you for being who you are” or “Thanks for making the world a better place”
But were all in the real world, and for some reason most people have problems saying compliments, but have no problems saying something bad. But thats okay because I realize that no matter what you do in life, its not what other people think that matters, Its only about what YOU think, and the people who REALLY LOVE you think.
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I want to end this post on a very important topic in the world. This is probably my biggest pet peeves.
I HATE WHEN PEOPLE SAY THEY LOVE ONE ANOTHER, AND THEY DONT FUCKING MEAN IT.
Do people really know the meaning of this word? Because 95% of the people that use it are fucking morons. Love is not a game, and it is not just a “feeling”. Its soooo much more than that. So people stop fucking saying you love someone when you really dont mean it.
I have NEVER told anyone I love’d them and didnt mean it with 100% FULL of my heart.
Jen….I love you so much and I will do anything and everything to see you smile at the end of the day. For whatever reason when we are older we are not together throughout this lifetime, I will still love you, because you are my best friend in the entire world, however I am looking forward to spending my entire lifetime with you. I know my dad was looking out for me when he passed away, because if it wasnt for his passing I would have never met you.
I LOVE YOU <3……………………………………….stupid heart thingy 😉
Goodnight.
