“Im the kind of guy that doesnt keep fishing over and over, Im the kind of guy who likes to take a long dive”(Straight from the inner core fo sho!)
Sometimes content just doesnt cut it really..when you have waited so many freakin years and been so patient for certain things in your life to change. Is their such a thing to be too patient for things? Cuz like seriously before I felt as if I was being too patient for certain things to go my way…but now its like totally different. I think im really getting what I want to be happier. I know for sure I have grown mentally into a better person from before. I look at myself growing up over the years and sit here and think “damn did I really do that?” and “wtf that was me?” “how could I have…”. I see now that I used to be a decietful kid. I could get away with many things…thinking that what I would do to people wouldnt hurt them from my perspective but in their perspective it was totally different. I guess thats part of being a kid. Sitting back having fun, chillin and just doing whatever without really thinking certain things through. I think I really grew up too fast. I started doing shit too early when I shouldnt have.(Partially my fault) I just remembered today the time when I was in 2nd grade and this dude named chris pissed me off cuz he like threw something at me… so I picked up a chair and hit him in the head with it and knocked him out. At the time I felt really good about it but now I look back at it and what he did to me didnt deserve to be knocked out with a chair. Then this time when I was in 6th grade I stabbed a girl cuz she called my good friend ugly or something. Then 2 weeks later I tried to set the daycare on fire. See these arent normal things.
The anger, frustration… whatever you want to call it used to be insane inside of me. you know that saying something like “fuels my fire” OMG like seriously the more pissed off I get the stronger I get. I think maybe 2 people have seen me at my worst. Ive only got seriously mad like about to kill someone about 2 or 3 times. One time I got so made I straight punched a brick wall for like a minute or 2 and re-fractured my hand.(fractured it playing basketball) But now that im out in laurel its like sooo different. So much more peaceful out here except for the other night when my older sister was calling my house(and i didnt click over 3 times)… later I find out she was calling cuz my aunt was telling my sis she was gonna commit suicide…I swear friggin idiots man. Its acctually funny because sometimes people want alot of attention… and then once they get the attention they start to get too much of it and then back down.
“The things I treasure most in life CANNOT be taken away”
Danger, then, cannot be considered
I rage again, dispelling my anger
Where do I begin?
The choices are endless
My art, my redemption, my only salvation
I carry the gift that I have been blessed with
My soul is adrift in notions of madness
Repairing the rift that you have created
I end on the … numbers, give me your arms now
I sit here locked inside my head
remembering everything you said
the silence gets us nowhere, gets us nowhere
way too fast
I see your face to start my day
makes all my bad dreams go away
and all the stupid games we play
wouldnt have it any other way…….
you fill me up
your in my veins
the love could take my breath away
and all these things you give away
sometimes I take for granted.
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you don’t know what you’ve put me through
it’s okay, i’ve forgiven you
but in some way, hope it fucks with you
hope it fucks with you
that i’m okay and i’ve made it through
but who’s to say what you’re going through
i’ll say no names, though i’ve wanted to
isn’t it strange how it seems like…
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Cause you can’t feel my ANGER
You can’t feel my pain
You can’t feel my torment
Driving me insane
I can’t fight these feelings they can bring you pain
You can’t take away
Make me whole again
I feel betrayed
Stuck in your ways
And you rip me apart
With the brutal things you say
I can’t deal with shit anymore
I just look away(kills me though)
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When I listen to the three bands disturbed, trust company and staind…I feel the anger within the music through the words…. they flow through my veins that fires me up for the day. Thats why I listen to them daily. Whenever I get frustrated or angry at someone or something…I like to hum the beat inside of my head to calm me down. You may call it weird but w.e, it works and im not stopping it lol. With all of the time I have invested in thinking over the years it amazes me. 3 years ago I would have never predicted to be where im at know.
“You learn something new everyday, whether its good or bad is for you to decide”
Time time time….time can make you or break you.
The other day I was cutting the grass for my chore over here…which is like bullshit because its definately harder than emptying the dishwasher and crap like that… but I really dont care because I acctually enjoyed cutting the grass.. it brough back great memories with my dad growing up going to work with him. For the first couple of months/years his death didnt really affect me… because I never really took the time to acctually sit down and realize he was no longer there. It seems as if it was just friggin yesterday man. Its been almost 5 whole years. 5 fucking years since I saw him…I cant even imagine the pain alot of other people feel when they lose their entire family in a fire or something. I mean if someone loses their entire family in a fire or something like that… words cant help the person. I wonder what I will think when im like 40 years old. Refering back to earlier statements:
“The things I treasure most in life CANNOT be taken away”
“Its just like the wind, you cant see it but you can feel it”
Hes still in my heart.
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“Never let today’s dissapointments get in the way of tomorrow’s dreams.”
