i just want to leave right now.

Right now if It was not for my job, My apartment lease, Jen, or my license being suspended for some bullshit, I would take my motorcycle, 1 backpack with basic clothes etc and cross country the united states mapping out all of the major cities and locations over a 6 month period, to 1 year depending on how long it would take. I would put all of my belongings into storage. I am really anxious to do this. If next year when my lease expires, if MVA takes away my suspension shortly, and for some reason my company goes out of business or something random the only thing left that would possibly stop me would be my girlfriend and honestly that wouldn’t be enough to keep me in Maryland.(especially with all of the drama bullshit going on right now anyways.). I really need to get out of Maryland. I have way too much to experience and currently I feel as if I just go to work, occasionally hang out with some friends, and go home. I feel like I need to be doing more, and experiencing more while I am still young. Lets face it. I have literally been committed to a lifestyle that I am not even sure I want, but the more I think about it pretty much exactly what I dont want. I pay tons of bills, and have to constantly deal with other peoples issues including my own, such as my family’s and my girlfriends amongst other people. Quite frankly I am sick and tired of having to deal with certain people. I really don’t care anymore. I am mentally drained with certain people in my life. I am extremely tired of having to repeat myself over and over, so I am just going to stop. People obviously don’t want to get out of their PREVENTABLE situations, so whatever floats their boat. I understand people have their own lives, and may live them the way they want to, but if that is the case don’t require my assistance, and then continue to do the same stupid shit over and over and over. If that is the case, I would rather not be associated with your issues at the moment. Anyways back to what I want. I really don’t know what I want, but I do know that I do not like the situations that I am in. I am a very direct person, I am a very honest person. I am a very un-sensitive person. I’m like that Geico commercial where a drill Sargent is a therapist. Ok maybe im not THAT bad, but I am pretty bad. I don’t like when people talk the talk, but cant walk the walk. Don’t say your going to do something unless your going to GET IT DONE. I don’t care how you get it done, just get it done. I repeat. GET IT DONE. GET IT DONE. Stop talking, stop thinking, just GET IT DONE. No excuses, no whining, no bitching, JUST GET IT DONE. Dont think of the easy way out, just GET IT DONE.

If you ask me 2-3 years ago I would probably have a completely different outlook on what I would have wanted my future to be. I would have probably seen myself marrying Jen, settling down and having a family. WOW I’m glad I did not rush into that, because right now things would be a total nightmare for the both of us. Lets face it. Cliffnotes: I am unhappy with where Jen stands in her life currently. Its not the fact that she is 25 years old and a waitress(because it could be way worse), its the fact that she shows no desire to do anything else EVER. I don’t want to be with someone who settles for less. She has like no goals other than me(WTF???), and a house and a family. That is unacceptable in my book. Its not the fact that she doesn’t have too many friends to communicate with, its the fact that she really doesn’t care that she doesn’t and for whatever reason cant seem to be social. She has too many acquaintances in my opinion. I feel like every part of her life revolves around me. This just cant happen. I believe people need to be there OWN people first, and then combine together to have a healthy relationship. She absolutely has a very hard time motivating herself to alot of important things in her own life. It’s like she has to be spoon fed way too much, and that is simply annoying. Only child situations are fucking terrible I swear. Wheres the confidence??? Wow. Create your own confidence. Get it done. If anyone is ever unconfident in themselves, wow. That is unacceptable. How can someone be happy in their life if they are not confident in themselves? Seriously? If anyone knew me back in high school, I was really not too confident at all. I really didn’t care though either honestly, but guess what? It was time to grow up, get shit done, and that requires tons of confidence. Walk into an interview knowing your already hired BEFORE you step into that office. Have the ability to tell someone to go FUCK themselves if you don’t like what they are saying. SMILE SMILE SMILE and NEVER look down when your walking. Get some fucking confidence!!!!!!

Me? I am really insensitive, and direct. Even when I am being honest it usually rolls off the wrong way. Which Is completely understandable how I can see people don’t like that, but guess what, thats just me. Im not always like that, I’m just usually like that with people I care about the most, AND people who just continue to make the same annoying mistakes OVER and OVER and OVER and for whatever reason just cant simply learn from their mistakes. People, its time to learn that the PEOPLE THAT CARE ABOUT YOU MUST WILL ALWAYS TELL YOU THE SHIT YOU USUALLY DONT WANT TO HEAR. Thats the beauty of it. Its not like for the first issue I run it down someones throat for an hour, that is not the case. The reason I am like that with people I care about the most is because I want to see them do better with their OWN LIVES!!! That is the goal, and from what I have learned throughout my life is that when you are easy with someone, they usually take advantage of the situation and learn little to nothing unless you spoon feed them throughout the situation/task.(Failure) THE REAL challenge is being able to learn from CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM to be able to fully ACCOMPLISH the task on YOUR OWN so YOU KNOW that YOU did it on your OWN. If people really want to change to better their own lives, they will. They shouldnt need support the ENTIRE TIME. THere is a difference between a shoulder to cry on, and psychiatrist. Alot of people just have too much pride. Their pride literally destroys their life. Sucks for those people.

This January will be 5 years with Jen, and I quite honesty do not think that I am going to be able to spend the rest of my life with her(at the moment). That really pains me to say but its coming down to it. There is little to no progress being made between us. Believe it or not I am really not a patient person, but I know as well as she knows I have been extremely patient with her for quite some time now. I know she really loves me, and I know I really love her but I have learned that is not enough. Her actions, as well as mine simply show that we are in over our heads. I now honestly think that the only thing that may save our relationship is to actually breakup, and remain friends for a while, and see if we really miss each other that much to really try and give this a second try or something. I’m not really sure because I have never been in a situation like this. I feel as if she is not taking this “break” very serious. This is not a fucking game. I really don’t know though honestly. The really sad thing is I never expected anything like this to happen. I am quite amazed at how everything in the last 2 years has played out. Sometimes you think you know a situation pretty well and then life throws you a curve ball.

I guess the next question is what do I do? I am obviously not going to just quit my job and all of my responsibilities right now to cross country. I “Could” do that but that is not the sane thing to do. I would like to think that I am really responsible, even with all of the situations I am placed into. I really don’t know what I am going to do when my lease expires in December, although I would really like to room with someone to cut down expenses because living completely on my own is really expensive. It is alot more expensive than most people think. It is a completely different experience though. Im obviously not just going to let jen move back in to cut down costs as thats probably about the dumbest thing I could do. But who knows, stranger things have happened. I’m obviously not just going to give up on Jen because I still see huge potential, however when I no longer see that potential, I am afraid that I will be very direct and honest with her, and I hope that never has to happen.

Am I happy with my life right now overall? I would have to say yes, although their are alot of things that I believe need to change in my life, I am overall happy. At times I can really feel depressed and droopy, however I understand that life does not wait for you, and you still have responsibilities to attend to.

I find it extremely annoying that the 3 women in my life that I care about most just cannot get along with one another(mom sister and jen), and simply do not like one another for some of the DUMBEST things. Too much fucking pride man, too much. They are all 3 wrong with things, and all 3 right, just get along for a change.

I dont care how mad someone gets at me, I am always going to be honest with them,

Goodnight.