A message sent to me from my cousin in summer 2016~, who had only known me a year of my life. I reached out to that side of the family for the first time in Feb 2015. I felt it was important, valuable enough to save.
Sorry for the delay.
I was driving.
You should have seen me trying to read at red lights.
I feel like I had pieced some of that together from things you’ve said.
It’s sad, tragic even, that you didn’t have any role models, lost anyone who even came close.
The miracle is that you became so self-aware that you, at some point, became the man you knew you could count on.
What floors me is that, in spite of becoming your mother’s parent (probably begrudgingly), you’ve been her rock.
You’re like this Phoenix that has risen from this tragic mess you were born into.
You’ve paid such a huge price to become who you are.
You’ve sacrificed your independence, to some degree.
You’ve sacrificed your ability to just trust people, to feel like you can just count on them to be who you need them to be or, at least, who they claim to be.
You’ve learned to cull your inner circle, discarding anyone whose presence doesn’t support your vision of growth and development.
This is a measure of control you can have over your life, so you take it.
Defense mechanism.
I’m not saying it’s healthy (who am I to judge) but you wake up EVERY DAY, in spite of all of the crap you’ve been through and CHOOSE to keep making strides for the positive.
That’s fucking amazing.
Forgiving and releasing isn’t always the best way to deal.
It’s just what I’ve been doing so long, it became a habit.
Some people don’t deserve your forgiveness.
In fact, many don’t.
I realized a long time ago that I get to be healed.
I get to be released, when I forgive.
As for the scars, sometimes they need to be cut out like cancerous cells, so that YOU can heal.
Therapy helps with that part.
I think it’s a good idea.
As someone who’s struggled with depression at times and anxiety/panic attacks often, I can tell you that you can’t do it alone.
These particular disorders run in our genes, the shared ones.
They need to be dealt with.
You don’t strike me as someone who shies away from a challenge.
This one just hits closer to your very big, very sheltered and protected heart.
So take some time, but not too much.
That’s for people less formidable than you and I.
We need some face time.
I know I’m busy, and so are you.
Maybe we can squeak in a few hours in the near future?
Why did I decide to reach out to this side of the family 3 years ago? Here’s why:
- I needed to make peace with my biological father who I had only known for about 3 months of the 29~ years ive been alive, and had not seen in about 14 years at the time. I knew I could get in touch with him through my aunt, so that was the first step. (I didn’t end up meeting him again until a year after I met my aunt). I buried the pain of him for decades, I knew I couldn’t do this forever, so I put together enough courage and made the first move meeting my aunt, who I also had not seen in 14 years. Initially, everything was going pretty good. I was very welcomed. They all were overjoyed to see me, get to know me, etc. But as time went on, I felt like this was more ‘surface conversation’. Its difficult for me to live on the surface. I wanted more, I needed more. They were all very nice to me, but I did not feel like I was part of something phenomenal. I later realized that my expectations were too high. I mean, who am I really? Im just the forgotten son of an addict they have excluded from their lives for several years. My cousin Jennifer & I seemed to really take an interest in getting to know one another early on. I could tell this from the first time we talked in her mothers living room, with all of her daughters present. Stephanie is pretty shy, and Amanda was simply very young. Somehow, Jennifer & I just seemed to click. I felt like she ‘got me’. We had some pretty good conversations for quite some time. Then I started to notice a drop off. I kind of felt like I was the one engaging in the conversations, and wanted to see what would happen if I stopped initiating them. I later found out she was feeling a little too vulnerable and had to back off. So I did too. I kinda of stopped initiating with everyone on that side, including my aunt. I was pretty hurt, but looking back, my expectations were just too high. It was all on me. I mean what could I really expect? I should have been grateful just to even be a part of something, even if that meant distant relationships. Honestly, that is better than nothing. This was still difficult for me. I knew what was possible, and I wanted more. So about 6 months later on Feb 5th 2017, I asked to meet with my aunt for dinner. I had thought long and hard about what I was going to say to her. I even had it written down. I essentially poured my heart out to my aunt. I told her I wanted to have a next level relationship with her, like she had with her daughters, is that possible? I cried and cried. I told her I wanted to truly forgive her for her small part in leaving me behind 15 years ago. I mean, she was not my dad, but she was still my aunt. That hurt. I wanted her to truly know that I really did forgive her for her small part, so she could forgive herself. This was the only way we could ever move forward and try to have a real connection. I didn’t just want to be the nephew invited over to all of the holiday events 5 times a year. Fuck that! I wanted a genuine, solid connection like ive never had before. This conversation with my aunt very well may have been the most vulnerable ive let myself be seen in my entire life. I really put myself out there, more than ever before. Even more than my own mother. What happened next I could never imagine in my wildest dreams. Less than 2 months later her & I went out to Keyser with my aunts mother(my grandmother), and visited my biological father. That’s a whole story in itself, but this trip was the start of something truly great in my life on so many levels. I felt like my aunt was my mother, and she felt like I was her son. I remember exactly when we both said this at the same time in the car ride home. I actually just shed a tear while typing that. This is fucking powerful. This is what life is all about. Dearly greatly.(Thank you Brene Brown- I am forever in debt). I allowed myself to be seen, vulnerably seen, with no guarantee. My aunt reciprocated and the unbreakable relationship was born. I remember being there for her during the difficult conversation that came out of nowhere between her and her mother while visiting keyser. She truly felt like a mother to me. Over the past year, I have developed an amazing relationship with my aunt. She is one of the very few people in this world that truly get me.
