https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8Pp7QB6GrE
kris notes 1-4-18
brene says- we need to look before we take the vulnerability leap and choose carefully who we open up to
if we share a shame story with the wrong person, we can easily become a flying piece of debris in an already dangerous storm. we need a solid connection in a situation like this, like a tree firmly planted in the ground.
we want to avoid the following:
-the friend the hears the story and actually feels shame for you, she confirms how horrified you should be, then theres awkward silence. then you have to make THEM feel better. now your still in shame, and one less friend down.
-the friend that responds with sympathy “im so sorry for you” rather than empathy- “i get it, i feel it, ive been there”… saying “oh you poor thing.” or the incredible passive agressive southern version of empathy “bless your heart”
– the friend that needs you to be the pillar of worthiness and authenticity, she cant help you because shes too disappointed in your imperfections because youve let them down.
-the friend that is so uncomfortable with vulnerability they scold- “how did you let this happen?!?!!!?!”
– the friend that is all about making it better, and out of her own discomfort refuses to awknowledge you can actually be crazy and make terrible choices, your exaggerating the person says “its not that bad…”
-the friend who confuses connection with the opprtunity to 1-up you. “well thats nothing, listen what happened to me”
So when you open yourself to be vulnerable, what are you really looking for?
looking for the person that loves you, because of your vulnerability. your “move the body friends”. looking for the people that are going to show up and dive in with you 100% “ride or die friends”. if you have one or two of these people you are truly lucky. anything more is a lottery.
its common to steamroll over those who matter most, to get the attention and appreciation for those who will never show up for us when it matters most. trying to please or prove yourself to them.
its hard to practice compassion when we are struggling with our own authenticity, or when our own worthiness is of balance.
what really means alot is going to someone with a shame story- sharing with people who have EARNED THE RIGHT TO HEAR YOUR SHAME STORY. WHO HAVE EARNED THE RIGHT TO BE VULNERABLE AROUND. YOU HAVE TO EARN THE RIGHT TO HEAR MY STORY. ITS AN HONOR TO HEAR ME when im in shame. be VERY weary of offering yourself up to people who dont deserve to have that offering. you have to ask yourself, who can bear the weight of the story with me?
this is powerful- if you share something with someone and they come back with one of these bad unempathetic responses, yet they call you an hour later, a week later and say- I didnt show up for you, im sorry. Im willing to dive in. that means even MORE. Were all not going to do empathy perfectly. were not going to have the right response over time. Its the effort that counts.
brene brown keeping it mother fucking 100!
